A good bit of ink has been spilled over the questions surrounding postmodernism’s impact on the church and her theologian’s reaction to postmodernism. What has not been addressed as extensively --- beyond the topic of evangelism --- are the practical implications for Christian discipleship that the community of faith might garner from the legitimate insights of postmodern thinkers.

One of the strands of postmodern reflection worth considering in this connection is the importance of community and relationships in establishing truth (Rorty and others).

Elsewhere I’ve noted that the biblical authors similarly contend that it is in community that individuals best come to apprehend truth. Core truths are passed on in the context of relationship.

See, for example, Paul’s charge to his protégé:

What is instructive here is that way Paul conjoins Timothy’s knowledge of his teachers with the content of their teaching. The knowledge transfer is inextricably tied to the relationship that is its context. This echoes Jesus’ comment

Just as there is no distinction between the teacher’s content and character; there is similarly no arelational transfer of knowledge. Christian discipleship that is collapsed into the mere transfer of naked information divorced from its relational context is impotent. This has profound implications for how churches train their leaders and for how Christians disciple. (This preceding section has been adapted from Delights and Dangers of Postmodern Currents, pt. 3).

What are some of these implications? What does Christian discipleship look like in an age of what some are calling "a chastened rationalism" and how do we get there practically?

It is appropriate to seek out spiritual mentors and protégés. Further, friendships will inevitably develop where it’s obvious that one of the partners are further along in their spiritual pilgrimage than the other. But, in addition to such an implied spiritual hierarchy, I’d like to also suggest that we are also always called to engage in spiritual friendship.

In spiritual friendships there will be seasons and/or categories where one or the other of the dyad will be taking on the guiding role. I speak of categories because perhaps one is strong in their financial acumen where the other has a better marriage. A natural give and take of alternating leadership can obtain in the context of a natural relational equilibrium.

Recognizing that every spiritual friendship will naturally develop into such a rhythm can take some pressure off any desire to always determine who is the more spiritually mature. In many cases, the entire question is irrelevant. In many friendships, it will be obvious that one individual is the natural spiritual leader; in other relationships, there can be more of a back and forth.

Paul presents us with a helpful model to be used when considering how to relate to one another: the model of family. We treat those older as fathers and mothers and those younger as brothers and sisters (1 Timothy 5:1,2). The familial paradigm guides us to appropriate levels of intimacy and commitment in developing spiritual friendships. This model is particularly helpful as a guide for the extent and limits of relationships with those of the opposite sex.

Without attempting to set forth an exhaustive catalog, I’ll mention a few foundational behaviors of spiritual friendship might be helpful. In what follows I will speak in terms of mentor and protégé. But from what’s already been said it should be understood that these behaviors are often performed by each party reciprocally in a spiritual friendship.

In his classic The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy, Irwin Yalom reports that therapists that have the highest percentage of positive therapeutic outcomes share certain characteristics irrespective of their respective ideological orientation. One of these characteristics is what Carl Rogers called unconditional positive regard. This is when the therapist conveys acceptance of his or her client no matter what.

This characteristic of the most successful therapists has a spiritual analogue: believing in the other person. However in spiritual discipleship the dynamic extends far beyond mere positive thinking. When the discipler believes in his protégé, her faith is justified by the fact that she is actually believing in God working in the disciple. This faith is well justified. Paul charged the Philippi Christians to "work out their salvation" because

 

it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure

Philippians 2:13

Earlier in the same letter Paul writes,

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus

Philippians 1:6 (emphasis mine)

That this was a common theme in Paul’s thought is indicated by his benediction at the end of his first letter to the church at Thessalonica

 

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.

1 Thessalonians 5:23

A wonderful, positive, hopeful prayer. But then, amazingly, Paul offers

 

Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass!

1 Thessalonians 5:24 (emphasis mine)

When we believe in another Christian, we are actually believing in God’s work within that Christian. She is a new creature and is being daily renewed in knowledge in the image of her Creator (2 Corinthians 4:16, 5:17; Colossians 3:10). Our confidence in the other person is abundantly warranted because our trust is placed in the Spirit working in that person, relentlessly driving them toward more and more Christlikeness.

There are few things more powerful than when Christian has faith in Christian. This mutual faith manifests itself in a number of ways.

Paul advised the church at Phillipi:

Empathetic listening occurs when we listen to another in a way that reflects Jesus injunction in Matthew 7:12:

Empathetic listening occurs when we listen to others creatively imagining what it would be like to be in their situation.

God Himself models for us this type of radical identification. He demonstrated His great love for us by becoming God in the flesh in the person of Jesus Christ. He entered our situation in the most radical way possible.

Similarly when we empathetically listen we associate with what another is saying or experiencing by creatively imagining ourselves in their position.

In doing this we model God to them. We act as God’s ambassadors to them (2 Corinthians 5:20). We become Christ’s body for them. We manifest Christ’s presence to them (1 Corinthians 12:27). By modeling God’s love for the one in front of us, we encourage them to look to God and receive his great love for them. In Paul’s letter to the church at Ephesus, he implies that our receiving the "fullness of God" is a result of our realizing "the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge" (see Ephesians 3:14-19). Consequently, when we model God’s love for another person and thereby lead them into a greater awareness of God’s love, we empower the other person to receive all that God has for them. Empathetic listening is one way we model such a love.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide. I later learned that she had been clinically depressed. I wanted to understand and did some study on depression. I read a book by a British psychologist who noted that in England the demographic most susceptible to depression was mothers of young children. But he also noted that one of the characteristics of such mothers who avoided depression was that they had what he termed confiding relationships.

A spiritual friendship is intimate only to the degree that the disciples are open and honest about their struggles, weaknesses, and failures. One of the most valuable spiritual exercises that two disciples can do on a regular basis is to openly and honestly answer the question, "How are you really doing?" James urged, "Confess your sins to one another" (James 5:16a); being open and honest about our moral failures to another takes spiritual friendships to the next level. Doing so is no doubt very humbling. But a failure to confess our faults to one another is sometimes a result of a spiritual pride. But even if our hesitancy is only motivated by sheer shame, when we are not vulnerable with another, our spiritual relationships will only rise to the level of our conversation: both will be superficial. Such a reticence limits the strength and effectiveness of the spiritual friendship. But when vulnerability in one evokes vulnerability in the other, the spiritual friendship ascends in an upward spiral of shared trust and mutual empowerment.

 

I’d like to suggest that modernity has brought two characteristics into evangelicalism that mitigate against holistic spiritual formation.

First, the modern program has influenced evangelicalism to believe that mere information is transformational. It’s not. Jesus’ disciples were changed because they spent time with their master. The bromide is true: spiritual maturity is as caught as taught.

Second, sometimes our response to contemporary society with its ubiquity of conveniences, pleasures, and technological tools has inflicted us with a nearly fatal case of incessant busyness. This constant activity played against the backdrop of continuous entertainment and infotainment through recorded media, radio, television and the internet means that individuals can easily choose to speed through their lives without a moment’s reflection. The soundtrack of life is ever present. Relationships then wither through inattention . Thriving spiritual friendships, on the other hand, are characterized by a mutual intentionality. Spiritual friends take the time to nurture both relationships with God and with others. The faithful spiritual friend intentionally and regularly shares her life time with her protégé. This deepens the friendship in a way sheer information transfer cannot.

As the two greatest commandments are to love God with everything within and to love our neighbors as ourselves, four topics of conversations and concomitant areas of activity are suggested:

Earlier in my spiritual pilgrimage – for about the first 8 years, sadly – God’s love for me was something I knew with my head but not my heart. When I met with my mentors this may not have always been our explicit topic, but it was almost always a subtext. To the extent that either partner in a spiritual friendship is struggling with an understanding of God’s love for them, this will need to be explored. It is the emotional foundation for spiritual stability and effectiveness.

If we really understand with our hearts and minds that Christ loves us, we will be able to say with Paul,

We will be controlled by the fact that Jesus loves us. It will be the most compelling fact of our existence and our guiding light. As such, it cannot help but be a major topic of conversation and focus of activity. We are His bride. Our passion is for Him.

Being made in God’s image, we have dignity and worth. And because of Jesus’ blood, we are adopted sons of God. Irrespective of what we’ve ever done, we can accept and love ourselves because He loves us. It is arrogance if we hold ourselves to some putative higher standard whereby we do not accept ourselves. Our love and acceptance of ourselves provides the guide for our love for others, as Jesus clearly intimates in the second greatest commandment. To the extent that either spiritual friend is weighed down with a low view of self, this must be worked through. On this point, it is the modeled love of God that will typically make the biggest difference. When we see that others love us, it gives us hope that perhaps God loves us as well and – following His lead - we can accept and love ourselves.

Knowing that God loves us in Jesus Christ, being filled with love for God in gratitude and wonder, accepting ourselves because we are accepted, we are then both motivated and empowered to love others. Because we are in relationship with One who has given us "everything we need for life and godliness" (2 Peter 1:3a, NIV), we are therefore free to be able to focus on others. We are taken care of and no longer need to be obsessed with meeting our own needs. They have been met.

This last area of focus in our spiritual friendship further analyzes into the individuals in our lives, our opportunities, and our vocation. Who has God brought into our sphere, or into– as Dallas Willard writes – our kingdom, our sphere of influence? How can we be a conduit of God’s grace and mercy into their lives? And it is more than WWJD (though there’s certainly nothing wrong with that); how are we to be intentional and proactive about our time, talents and treasure so that we optimize our kingdom impact during our brief time on earth?

But the spiritual friendship should not just be about discussions. The pair should engage in practical Christian service in whatever form. Jesus spoke to and with his disciples, but he also ministered with them. He provides the model.

Initial discussions

The Talmud wisely opines, "All beginnings are difficult" and this sometimes applies to the beginning of spiritual friendships, particularly when two people have just agreed to take their relationship to a new level of mutual commitment and openness. One very helpful way to begin such a relationship is to have each party simply tell their story. Several times I have also found this to be an effective way to begin small groups with great results. When I’ve participated in groups that have done this, I’ve been amazed at how long each individual could speak (!) and – at the same time – it’s been my experience that each and every story is infallibly interesting and compelling! The Spirit blows differently through every person’s life. I have found that when participants tell their stories, being honest and open about their struggles and successes, detailing how they first developed a spiritual interest and how that deepened, that the relationships begin at this new level in a very healthy and committed way. The most spiritually mature, and the one most willing to be vulnerably open, should be the first to speak. This will set the tone and precedent for the remaining party or parties. Of course, in mixed gender situations, discretion must be exercised.

Finally – and much more could be written on this – a few brief comments on systemic, organizational strategies that can assist churches with the care and feeding of their spiritual friendships.

The core leaders of the church – both lay and staff – should be encouraged to acquire at least one protégé/spiritual friend/disciple during the course of a year. Leaders should seek out potential leaders. Then these leaders should also encourage their respective constituents - whether church band members, drama troupe participants, small group attenders, whatever – to themselves seek out to begin and nurture at least one significant spiritual friendship during the course of the next 12 months. The leaders should practice and encourage their constituents to practice the core behaviors that are detailed above.

Spiritual friendship must be made a prominent part of a church’s corporate culture. Those who speak on Sunday morning - and at all manner of gatherings - should periodically cast the vision of spiritual friendship. They should speak about the biblical basis for such relationships. They should promote public forums where mentoring behaviors are taught and practiced, such as educational opportunities, literature, periodicals, retreats, conferences, small groups, etc. Finally, leaders should not underestimate the significant power that stories from their own personal lives about their spiritual friendships can have on their auditors. They should also share the stories of others, including the great historical figures of the church. The Wesleyan tradition is a particularly rich resource for such examples.

Leaders should also make spiritual friendship a constant topic of conversation in their every day discussions. They should daily look for opportunities to tout its advantages, to ask people about their spiritual friendships, to encourage others to seek out and find spiritual friends, and to talk about forums where spiritual friendships can be explored, celebrated and learned.

Churches need to provide educational opportunities where gifted facilitators provide helpful information about beginning and developing spiritual friendships and, most importantly, provide a supportive environment where people can actually do spiritual friendship! People tend to participate in educational forums more than attend small groups because they seem safer. Yet these workshops can be as personal and interactive as small groups as long as each individual is respected and the facilitator is sensitive to their chosen level of involvement. Facilitators can only provide open doors to intimacy; they cannot and must not force anyone through such entrances.

Some have had success spinning such educational groups off into vibrant small groups. If this is attempted, potential leaders of the future group must be identified and nurtured as soon as possible during the initial educational phase of the group. Ideally, the facilitator would locate and invite such a potential leader before the workshop begins. Some effective topics for these workshops could be:

A series of workshops could pick one of these topics to focus on or over a series meetings attempt to address all of them. One must balance the reality of more people signing up for shorter series versus the advantage of having enough weeks to adequately cover a particular topics.

The best churches will make all of their adult education forums seedbeds of spiritual friendships by tasking all facilitators to provide participants with a small groupesque atmosphere. The culture of such learning experiences can helpfully include: 1) the gifted and multi-media presentation of excellent, biblically-based information, 2) a high percentage of interaction among participants with each other and the facilitator during the meeting, 3) an emphasis on personal application outside of the meeting time with a specific focus on spiritual friendship, and 4) the sharing of personal struggles and successes related to spiritual friendships during the meeting itself and 5) prayer. Spending some of the meeting time in dyads might also prove effective.

Nearly everything that I just said about educational opportunities could be profitably applied to small groups.

On at least a yearly basis, the church should put on a banquet where all spiritual friends are invited to celebrate the gains of the past year. Many stories should be shared at tables and up front at such events.

People are hungry for something more than mere information. We are creatures made for relationship with God and with one another. A friendship that is spiritual enables us to transcend a merely time-bound existence and to achieve a spiritual maturity expressing itself in passionate love for God and sincere love for one another. The healthy spiritual friendship is characterized by a mutual belief in one another that manifests itself in empathetic listening, demonstrations of vulnerable openness, and regular choices to spend time with one another. Conversations and activities will center on God’s love for us and our response to Him that moves us out of our comfort zone into the lives of others. Many times, this depth of friendship begins simply by sharing our stories. The church provides a context that encourages spiritual friendships when her leaders themselves publicly engage in spiritual friendship, encourage their constituents to do the same, cast a vision of such friendships in their public speaking and daily remarks, and provide specific contexts where spiritual friendships can be studied, engaged and celebrated.