I have a blob of faith that is bulging and growing and taking over more and more ground in my life. It sends some people running away screaming because they don't understand. It draws others because they want to know what is making it bulge and grow. They curiously look on, poke, prod and wonder.

My faith was once a small seed then life's bummers came at me. Instead of my faith as small as a seed being choked out, it grew. It grew to a beautiful point where other Christians trimmed it and commented on how beautiful it was. Those were the nice and simple days. But life's bummers still came and the trimming and the comments were not enough. My faith bulged and grew and bulged and grew. It grew to blob size and Christians started running.

I find that those that do curiously look on, poke, prod and wonder are others. Them. Those outside the camp. This realization drew me to a thought crisis. Why them? Why not those godly people who I desire approval from? I am not always comfortable in those godly circles. More than that, I like being with those outside the camp. Do I prefer not to be in the company of godly people? Do I prefer this because when I'm with others, my level of spirituality is at a higher level? Do I prefer this versus being in a circle of godly people where my level of spirituality would be average? I truly fear being average in anything in my life.

Or maybe my desire to be among other circles might be because I have something to hide from a godly inner circle. Among others, such ugliness in my life would still be much better than the ugliness in their lives so my ugliness would not even be seen. However in a godly inner circle, they might see my ugliness and think less of me.

But why is my ugliness any different than anyone else's ugliness? Especially among my companions in a godly inner circle. That should be the place we can reveal such ugliness, seek forgiveness and accountability, and then move on. And I desire that. I desire places where I can be real and honest. That is a basic motivator in my life. You can't keep me on that small talk, surface-level conversation for long with anyone.

However, godly circles tend to have it the other way around. They sometimes are a place where we show our spiritual side and not our weak side. True heart stuff is being shared, but it isn't the entire heart. So my growing faith is trimmed, kept at a beautiful point and not allowed to bulge. Could this be why I'm not allowed in some godly inner circles? Is it that circle which is actually afraid of me and of my blob-sized faith? Is my faith growing and bulging so much that it makes them uncomfortable? Does my faith take them out of their carefully created world? Could it be that I am so well in my spirit and faith that I desire to be outside the camp not as a way to hide my ugliness but because I have identified it? When life's bummers hit, my faith drew me to questions I hadn't dare ask before. I had to wrestle for those answers. It was not comfortable and it was not pretty. And I came through with a different faith from before. Something more real.

"That's why we should go outside the camp to Jesus and share in His disgrace." Hebrews 13:13. Why is Jesus found outside the camp? Why was He found "eating and drinking with sinners." Matthew 9:11. So we can share in His disgrace. What is Jesus' disgrace? The sin Jesus had to bear because of me. Like an alcoholic. I am one breath away from another sin. I realize that. I confess that. I share that. Inside the camp they don't want to believe that. Are they not above that disgrace? Have they not been saved and sanctified? Are they not free from that struggle?

Paul was not. Read Romans 7. Paul had that blob of faith. Those outside the camp know they are not and identify everyday with that--often to defeat. And that's where I find my blob of faith--bulging and growing.

I believe this faith is also what draws me to one of my best friends. She has an ongoing struggle with God--everyday. Some days it is exhausting. I am one of the few people she has shared with that she does not believe in a hell. She knows that if she mentions that to most Christians they would be shocked and appalled and eventually pull away from her. But because of this ongoing struggle, she has developed a deep, deep faith in God. A faith that cannot be shaken no matter what life hands her--which has been more than what I think I could bear.

I identify with her. Not about her struggle with hell but with her identified struggle. The entire true heart stuff is being shared and she doesn't try to trim me. Nor I her.

So my struggle has lead to this prayer of Paul's, a fellow blob, "that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ." Philippians 1:9-10. And that your faith bulges and grows and causes all others to curiously look on, poke, prod and wonder.