My New Church
part 1--TFICi
My message to the evangelical church: don't change. You've got it right.
This revelation came to me while I was walking through Wal-Mart this afternoon. In case you're not keen on these things, Wal-Mart is number one on the Fortune 500, with revenues of over two-hundred nineteen thousand million dollars. That's 220 billion, if you round up to the nearest billion.
Church, why bother emulating Willow Creek, Cavalry Chapel or Saddleback when you have the ultimate example of a perfect, well-oiled, successful evangelical machine right in your own neighborhoods? Don't mess around. Check out these winning techniques that your favorite and most successful churches do or should share with the most successful business/consumption machine in the world.
- Convenience/One-stop shopping
There
is one important rule you need to get in your head: Once they're in your
store/church, keep them in your store/church. This means that you need
to get things into your store/church that consumers would might otherwise
have to go somewhere else to experience/consume. Your church may have a bookstore
and a food court. Maybe even a Starbucks.ii But really we need to look
again to Mr. Walton, setting our sights high--does your church yet have a
hair salon? an optometry center? a portrait studio? If today's church is to
truly reach people with God's Word and protect them from the evils of the
World, we need to be providing these services. Don't let the World steal these
souls simply because they have no other option but to go somewhere else for
their affordable family services!
- Clear demographic research
What is Wal-Mart's objective? Sell shit. What kind of people do you find in Wal-Mart?iii Overweight, over-budget consumers. We, as the church, need to do more due diligence on our most promising demographic. Did Wal-Mart get to be number one only selling to upper-middle class white people with short hair and khakis? I don't think so. Money doesn't only come from people with deep pockets, church! The lower-middle class are who they are because they spend money on shit--money that could be used to Build the Kingdom! Let's get these people saved and tithing!
- Exciting and meaningful clichés and rituals
Church,
you are trying too hard sometimes. This whole praise and worship thing? Yeah.
Again, let's take a lesson from our champions of successful corporate culture:
Give me a W!
Give me an A!
Give me an L!
Give me a Squiggly!
Give me an M!
Give me an A!
Give me an R!
Give me a T!
What's that spell?
Wal-Mart!
Who's number one?
The Customer! Always!
Let's see how very easily this could be used to enhance your own organization's culture:
Give me a J!
Give me a Squiggly!
Give me an C!
What's that spell?
J-C!
Who's number one?
The Customer! Always!
Come on Rick Founds, let's get crackin'.
- Meaningless rules and doctrine -1->
Oh, wait, we've got that.
Church,
do not bend to those who might think a non-hierarchical, decentralized leadership
structure is good for the church! They are communists! Americans need to be
led!
Be sure to choose your leader carefully using the following criteria (please remember #2--our leader must not come from our actual target group):
- middle aged
- attractive with no physical handicaps, blemishes, large scars, etc.
- short hair (ref) (in my wife's native tongue it totally makes sense! ;)
- clever
- at times, very clever
- capable of taking the complexities of life and reducing them into no more than 10 asinine bullet points
- seven bullet points is the best, as it corresponds with the number of perfectioniv
- A strong central and infallible text -1->
Oh, wait, we've got that.
- Seven points is the best, as it corresponds with the number of perfection
And don't forget to request a Wal-Mart in your neighborhood so that you can shop with greater ease and convenience and learn how to build a proper church…
All
contained work, including this © statement, © 2002 by Daniel Wayne
Miller, Ltd. (NASDAQ: DWML). Use of any image or more than three consecutive
words from this work is strictly forbidden by US Copyright Laws and punishable
by imprisonment, frivolous lawsuits, civil harassment (including but not limited
to spamv emails, standard mail
solicitations, and front-door solicitations from the Mormons and/or Jehovah's
Witnesses), or general mockery and finger pointing (including but not limited
to the phrase -- I blow my nose at you!).
Daniel Miller currently suffers from TMJ and runs danielsjourney.com. His long hair is a shame to him. His wife is really Slovak. He's lower middle class not so much because he spends too much as he doesn't earn enough. He buys his nonfood consumables (i.e. TPvi) at Wal-Mart because they're the cheapest there.
endnotes (click note reference again to return to main text):
i tongue firmly in cheek
ii Why this entire treatise is not written around the Starbucks method is another question. But why should we model Starbucks--just because they're cool? Actually, come to think of it, only cool people who can afford $7.95 cups of coffee (I'm sorry--Venti decaf lowfat extra hot extra foam hazelnut vanilla lattes {try to beat 20 syllables on the message board you freaks!}) should be invited into the Kingdom! How else will it be built? Oh well. I've already started this piece so I guess I'll have to do Starbucks next time.
iii --generally--of course you and me have both been to Wal-Mart, and we do not, as yet, fall into this category, but let's not sell* ourselves short ourselves just yet. *(ouch)
iv If the individual's height, weight, and yearly income each have sevens in them, this is also good. For example, the perfect candidate would be --, 197lbs., and earn $777,777/year.
v Spam® is a registered trademark of Hormel Foods Corporation. Spam, in lower case, is a popular term for bulk unsolicited e-mails. The term comes from a 1970 Monty Python skit in which conversation in a diner is drowned out by rowdy Vikings who sing about --Wonderful SPAM. The metaphor applies to junk e-mails crowding in-boxes.