As a child and early teenager I believed in God.  I believed He was an old man up in heaven who was really nice, who had some kind of cosmic son named Jesus, and if you got in a really tight bind you might ask Him to help you, and if you caught Him on a good day, He might.  I believed He thought church was a good thing and something people probably ought to go to---but if they were bored, He also understood.  I also believed God liked you as long as you did not kill or rape anyone and as long as you thought He was real (whatever that might mean.)  I also believed life was boring, hard, and empty.  Nothing was really enjoyable or had any purpose, and the sooner it was over, the better.

            As a late teenager I believed in God.  I believed He was strong and powerful and perfect.  God was very intimidating and He demanded strict obedience or you were in big trouble.  He wanted perfection.  But God had this special clause.  He sent His Son to earth to die for our sins.  If we would just pray a prayer and really want to go to heaven, the intimidating God would let us in.  He really wanted you to be perfect, somber, and conservative in all ways possible, but He knew very few of us ever really lived that way.  If we just said the prayer everything would be okay.  I also believed there were two callings in life.  One was a calling to the “good” life.  The “good” life included being sexually involved with girls’ bodies, being good at basketball, and staying up late and watching cool movies.  There was also the “bad” life.  The bad life included talking about God all the time, avoiding girls and movies at all costs, and giving out as many gospel tracts to complete strangers as possible.  The “good” life was really bad- according to God, and the “bad” life was really good.  It just never felt like that to me.

            As a Bible College student I believed in God.  I believed that He revealed Himself in only one way- through the Bible.  He wanted everyone to study it and discipline himself or herself to pray according to it as long as possible.  The more you studied and prayed- the better off you were.  Jesus also wanted people to stand up for Him.  He wanted people to argue with others about what His book said.  If you argued well, He really liked you.  God also provided some answers in His book.  He said how to handle your problems, how to behave on the job, and how to be a good husband.  He included very clear steps of how to get over depression and how to confront people who were depressed.  God had all kinds of helpful answers.  I also believed life was about discipline.  Disciplining yourself to not think about girls too much, disciplining yourself to study and pray, and disciplining yourself to avoid the culture.  If you could do that- life was full of peace; if you could not, life was really messed up.

            Today as a Husband, Dad, and Pastor, I believe in God.  I believe He is mysterious, powerful, tough, and just.  I also believe He is simple, suffering, gentle, and gracious.  I believe He rises up some people and levels others, and He also rises up those who have been leveled and levels those who have been raised up.  I believe I really know Him and I do not know Him at all.  I believe He makes my life rough and He makes it easy.  I believe Jesus is simply the best God and human I could ever imagine.  He is so powerful and perfect, and so lowly and loving.  His words bother me and liberate me.  I run from Him some days but also love Him everyday.  He is simply all there is.  I also believe life is complex.  It often does not make sense and at times it really hurts.  But it also matters and is very beautiful.  Today there are many more things I do not know, and a few things I do know.  I do not know why church and religion are so stifling and impotent.  I do know that Jesus is all that matters and we need to help other people learn life with Him and from Him.  I also know I want to continue to learn life with Him and from Him.

It was such a tiny little text entitled Socrates, Buddha, Confucius, Jesus as penned by the late French existentialist Karl Jaspers. So tiny, I skipped reading it for sometime thinking that it would have nothing to offer. To my dismay, I squirm at the thought of my ignorance.