We live in a culture that celebrates independence and self-reliance. We live in a culture that teaches that being vulnerable and compassionate are dangerous and insidious traits. We live in a culture that is unable to commit to deep and meaningful relationships with others. We live in a culture that celebrates immediate gratification. Is it any wonder that we need the help of faith to insulate and inoculate ourselves from the beasts of culture that wish to devour our souls? We need a concept of Christianity as culture. We need to see that the language we use to articulate our faith has its roots in the decadence and independence of a world that is incapable of any form of intimacy. We must be willing to look at our worldview with an honesty and openness that may cause us to become uncomfortable with the picture we have painted. There must be another way that we as followers of Jesus Christ should and must view the world and the people who God has made a part of our lives. I believe that one possible answer is a redefinition of how we see friendship.

Our world has created a construction of friendship that is based on a management model. We enter into friendships with others with a list of things that we need to receive if we are to invest in this commodity. Our consumerist mindset as created a language that is devoid of expressions of intimacy. We deny this truth at all costs. Ask yourself or another how many friends they have and most will answer many. But, when pressed to examine how many of those friends know the intimate details of your life the numbers become rare. We have casual social relationships with people we see at our kid’s soccer games or other social events. We have casual convenient relationships with our co-workers. We have relationships with people we see each week at church. Yet, there is a barrier that we are unwilling to cross in these relationships. Why? The costs to do so are high. The investment of our time and secretive internal lives will not allow us to pay it. Our understanding of friendship is formed and deformed by our reliance on a culture that has commidified everything. Friendship is a thing we buy and the costs must be weighed according to a scale that God has refused to certify. How many of the people you call friends would sacrifice anything for you if you requested. There are friendships that attain this standard but they are few. How can a church that is trying to reach out to a searching world offer a model for community if we are unable to create friendships that are built on a language of intimacy? When was the last time, when asked by a friend for some of your time, that you did not first consult your daytimer or palm pilot? We have succumbed to the myth that our world teaches that we need to care for ourselves first then others. How does God and the creatures he created us to be fit into that equation? God challenges us to strive for a greater goal. Friendships that are willing to open the secrets we hide from ourselves, others and even God are the standard God asks. Friendship in God’s economy is based on sacrifice and transparency.

Friendship as a commodity is our standard. If we view friendship as a commodity to be managed we will continue to let our culture dictate what we experience. The majority of our friendships are generated in artificial constructions of community. How many of those relationships have been based upon the managerial mindset? Friendship was never intended to be a means to an end. God wants our friendships to be places where we can feel secure in times of need and rejoice in times of celebration. We have lost our ability to connect. Each of us has the gift of healing and encouragement within us if we will let ourselves be vulnerable enough to discover it. This discovery can only happen when we open ourselves up to another person in a way that exposes our inner secrets, fears and strengths. Henri J. M. Nouwen speaks of our use of compassion to free ourselves from the tyranny of our cultures’ reliance on a commodified view of relationships with others. “The compassionate man stands in the midst of his people but does not get caught in the conformist forces of the peer group, because through his compassion he is able to avoid the distance of pity as well as the exclusiveness of sympathy. Compassion is born when we discover in the center of our own existence not only that God is God and man is man, but also that our neighbor is really our fellow man.” The power of Nouwen’s argument is his insistence on our commonness. We are all beings created in the image of God. We all have failures, desires, strengths, and needs that demand that we be dependent upon each other. This dependence is there whether we want to recognize it or not. It is in our reliance on each other that we will realize the power of what friendship can truly be.

The level of friendship that I am espousing is not something that will be easy and comfortable to undertake. Friendship in a biblical sense is a life journey. A journey that challenges when needed. A journey that encourages rebukes and rejoices in the life that we live together. To become friends in this manner takes courage and commitment that will require every ounce of spiritual and physical strength we have. God wants all of us to experience this type of relationship with another person. It is through this type of friendship that wounds will heal, worldviews will change, power will be released, God given gifts discovered and the love of God realized. In John 15:12-17, Jesus Christ sets the standard for friendship.

In this passage Jesus clearly states that we must know what our friends are doing and no matter what they do we must love them. This love requires us to confront issues whether we are comfortable or not. This kind or friendship can be achieved. I have experienced this depth and can attest that all the pain and struggle is worth it.

When I began my tenure at seminary, I met a man from a different world. We both sensed there was something drawing us toward each other. As we began the first awkward steps in our journey to friendship there were many doubts and fears. This man that I had met came from a world where the color of his skin set the course of his life. A world where friendship is almost impossible. Friendship is something that he could never attempt because the world around him was built with evil. I came from a world built on evil also, but the results of this evil were luxury and wealth. Our views of the world were as far apart as the east is from the west. There was something pulling us toward each other and many times we resisted. At the beginning there were many things hidden, demons lurking in the shadows. We had much that went unsaid and it almost destroyed what could have become a friendship. However, we were determined not to fail in our journey together. So we began.

Coming from such disparate backgrounds we had to wade through the murky waters of cultural education. There were many prejudices and preconceptions that were stumbling blocks to both of us. The first and most obvious difference was race or so we thought. Race was a subject that we talked about openly and honestly until the pain became too great. There was a time that I avoided my friend. I was not willing to face the truth that was my life. My fear and discomfort were speaking in our culture's language; “it’s not worth it, who needs this.” The costs of this relationship were greater than I was willing to risk. The doubt that filled my head almost ended what was to become a transforming part of my life. However, by God’s grace and our commitment to each other we did face our pasts.

As we struggled with the prejudice, hate, bitterness and hurt that was deeply ingrained in each of us we began to see a light. I saw people of other races and socio-cultural communities as things to use and then discard. My friend also had things that were strenuous to face. A life of being put down and spat upon had deposited much hate and bitterness. Then one day we sat at a table with other students in the midst of a recognition ceremony at school and we both knew that we had made it. My friend told the others at the table that our friendship had allowed him to throw off his hatred and bitterness and he could now see me as a brother, his friend. I too was transformed that day. I looked at this man and knew what it meant to have a friend in Christ. The risks, which our world tried to tell us were too great have been worth it all. I do not tell this story to show that I have achieved something others cannot, but to show that everyone can take the risk that God ask of us all. When we risk the secrets of our internalized lives to the scrutiny of another person God will be there. In those moments when we look into the depths of our secret worlds and bring them into the light God will be with us. The times when we are at our most vulnerable, God will transform us.

I have attempted to show what friendship is to be for all that follow Jesus Christ. Dwelling in the lives of others in this way we can fulfill the commands of Jesus. By fulfilling these commands we can enable others to see the true picture God has created within their lives. As a follower I see this type of friendship as integral to the life of all followers of Jesus Christ. Enabling people to risk and challenge themselves to undertake this type of relationship will allow healing and growth to happen in an atmosphere of love and compassion. We are all called to risk and expose the inner secrets and strengths that God has allowed in our lives in our quest to help others who are hurting and searching for the truth. God wants all his children to see his truth in their lives and if I can teach and encourage others to take the risk in this friendship of dwelling, then I believe that I will fulfill the challenge of Christ. The friendship I now have with Vincent has changed both our relationships with the triune God. This friendship has also changed our relationship with all the children of God. Friendship can be a powerful tool if we are willing to take the risk and invest ourselves in the lives of others. Imagine the church and its impact on the lives of God’s people if we all were willing to risk exposing our inner self in friendships that would release the love Jesus spoke of in John. Our dwelling in another’s life can be an instrument of enabling that will release the transforming power of God in their lives. Godric, Frederick Buechner’s fictional 12th century monk describes friendship this way, “What’s friendship, when all’s done, but the giving and taking of wounds?” We must be willing to enter into relationships that are painful and joyful. When our friendships are based on selfish and evil goals, goals our world celebrates, we will forever fail. Friendship based on the example of Jesus is our goal. May God grant us the desire and courage to begin that journey. Then we will be able to begin the building of a community that will answer the cries of our postmodern world.

[For another article on this subject see Spiritual Friendship by Stephen Shields.]